What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:51
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
How conservative the Japanese people really is? And the government?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
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I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
Why do I (45, male) feel like I'm crushing on a girl (19, female)?
She married twice! .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why are the Chinese so sensitive to Western criticism?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were not on the streets..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What did i know ?
I think the readers, may guess!
She was in good health!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My life is so biszare .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i lived it daily.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.